Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Nothing to say

This isn't an apology blog.  This isn't a blog writing about not blogging.  This goes beyond blogging.*

I live a fair share of my life in a language I'm not comfortable in.  I speak Ukrainian, and I understand most things.  I routinely have full conversations where nothing remains a mystery.  I'm never afraid to charge into a sentence and figure out later which case to use.  I speak poorly, but comfortably.  I have gained a certain sense of self-awareness and courage in the truth that I don't speak perfectly and I probably never will - so I should probably just go for it with what I've got.  But it's like wearing shoes one size too big or too small.

It's something you notice constantly.  It is a constant irritation, a constant discomfort.  Well, truth be told, because I grew rather rapidly and my family was pretty poor; wearing shoes one size too big or small was almost always a reality.  We would always buy shoes to grow into, and it seems that the moment I grew into them would be the moment I would grow out of them.  This is not a new condition for me.

I often wonder when speaking in a foreign language will become comfortable for me.  At home I spend a lot of my time in silence.  My household is Ukrainian speaking, - my neighbors are all Ukrainian - even the cat and dog speak Ukrainian - and most morning I don't speak English until I get to a class or get a Skype call.

I find that I spend so much more time these last few months just sitting in silence.  I will often sit with friends and say nothing.  Although I understand the conversation, I have no desire to jump in.  I enjoy Skyping with my sister because I can just sit and listen for hours.  Sometimes we will call each other, and when we are done talking she will put on some TV show we both like and I will listen to it.

I think in general I have nothing to say.  In my prayer times, I just sit.  I don't really have anything to say to God.  It's not a bad prayer time.  It's just a much quieter prayer time.

I have nothing to say.  Nothing to contribute.  I would rather sit in silence or read or book, or watch a quiet movie.  I don't feel like I need to apologize for this.  I think that I'm in a good place.  I've said so much, and now I've found some time to listen.

I'm reminded of the pilgrim's phrase "not all who wander are lost" - and if I were at my pithiest most creative point I would come up with a similar statement but having to do with speaking.  This is officially a make your own slogan challenge.

*To be fair to everyone, I'm rather bad at blogging these days.  It seems that life fills up so fast, and sitting down at a computer to write up something original gets pushed out of the way.

No comments:

Post a Comment