This isn't an apology blog. This isn't a blog writing about not blogging. This goes beyond blogging.*
I live a fair share of my life in a language I'm not comfortable in. I speak Ukrainian, and I understand most things. I routinely have full conversations where nothing remains a mystery. I'm never afraid to charge into a sentence and figure out later which case to use. I speak poorly, but comfortably. I have gained a certain sense of self-awareness and courage in the truth that I don't speak perfectly and I probably never will - so I should probably just go for it with what I've got. But it's like wearing shoes one size too big or too small.
It's something you notice constantly. It is a constant irritation, a constant discomfort. Well, truth be told, because I grew rather rapidly and my family was pretty poor; wearing shoes one size too big or small was almost always a reality. We would always buy shoes to grow into, and it seems that the moment I grew into them would be the moment I would grow out of them. This is not a new condition for me.
I often wonder when speaking in a foreign language will become comfortable for me. At home I spend a lot of my time in silence. My household is Ukrainian speaking, - my neighbors are all Ukrainian - even the cat and dog speak Ukrainian - and most morning I don't speak English until I get to a class or get a Skype call.
I find that I spend so much more time these last few months just sitting in silence. I will often sit with friends and say nothing. Although I understand the conversation, I have no desire to jump in. I enjoy Skyping with my sister because I can just sit and listen for hours. Sometimes we will call each other, and when we are done talking she will put on some TV show we both like and I will listen to it.
I think in general I have nothing to say. In my prayer times, I just sit. I don't really have anything to say to God. It's not a bad prayer time. It's just a much quieter prayer time.
I have nothing to say. Nothing to contribute. I would rather sit in silence or read or book, or watch a quiet movie. I don't feel like I need to apologize for this. I think that I'm in a good place. I've said so much, and now I've found some time to listen.
I'm reminded of the pilgrim's phrase "not all who wander are lost" - and if I were at my pithiest most creative point I would come up with a similar statement but having to do with speaking. This is officially a make your own slogan challenge.
*To be fair to everyone, I'm rather bad at blogging these days. It seems that life fills up so fast, and sitting down at a computer to write up something original gets pushed out of the way.